Estimated Crowd: 70 +

So I walked into this foyer with a marble flooring starring down the Biscayne Bay aquamarine waters.

Task Number 1: Get a drink. Eat good food with minimum caloric intake. I’m looking around the tables, there’s crab cakes, lots of cheese cubes, Beluga caviar, smoked salmon. I’m thinking to myself: I’m doing some damage to their caviar, no crackers or cheese. Raw caviar, after all, I’m a fish lover.  I end up eating way more than I though, couldn’t resist dried fruit.

Onto drinks: I picked a Martini. For those that don’t know, it’s gin with a sprinkle of vermouth. Stirred with a spoon, no James Bond bullshit. For a nice guide to drinks, go to The Guide to The Good Life (GAYOT).

I introduced myself to the bartender: My name is Sprinkles, I said.  She: really ? Me: yes, really.
What happened, for the rest of the night not only she remembered my name, she was happy with me. Probably having something to do with cupcakes, ice cream toppings or cats.  Try it sometimes: if you wanna pick up a bartender, tell her your name is Sprinkles.

Task Number 2:  Meet the host and hostess, get introduced, introduce myself, cut through the butter. “Cut through the butter” is my expression of getting to the people who I wanted to meet. The moneybags. Things have changed over the years, used to be the moneybags were the oldest people in the room, now they are the youngest. At a cocktail party you can always tell who the bosses are, everyone is gravitating to them. Since I didn’t have a friend there, I decided to introduce myself, with a vague reference to my employer. The guy can’t just back out, he’ll look like shit to his fans.

Another thing you can do if you don’t know anyone at a party is to spot the “social engineer”, the life of the party. Use that person to introduce you to the host and hostess. Or introduce yourself to the hostess first, hostesses are often very graceful women. If you brought a gift, that’s easy to do. Women oblige and understand it is their role to lube up the party. The only thing a woman needs to get your attention is a generous compliment. If a woman is older, I like to say: “Were you a dancer, a performer ?” If it is young girl, I tell her I race horses. 9 out 10 she has never met someone like that. If she has, I say my horse is sick so me and her can commiserate together.

Task Number 3: Pretend I can dance (although I don’t really). Dancing is like a foreign language: if you don’t practice it, you lose it.

Task Number 4: Try not to get drunk. If you get drunk, you’ve lost. It’s that simple. The logic of going to a cocktail party is to stay sober.